Carlson

John Carlson: Coronavirus Confusion

By: John Carlson— As an old person who is easily confused, there are many things I do not understand about the coronavirus. For example, in my whole life, I have never been a face-toucher. Oh sure, for a while there as a teenager, I was a more-or-less constant pimple popper. But other than that, as far as I can recall, I have gone entire years at a stretch without touching my face. But now that they tell you, “Do not…

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John Carlson: A Look At Love In Action

By: John Carlson— These days, the longer we cope with the COVID-19 pandemic, the more I find myself thinking about Dunkirk. No, not the Dunkirk to our northeast that holds the distinction of being part of both Jay and Blackford counties, much as I enjoyed my time spent in that pleasant little burg covering occasional stories over the years. Instead, I’m thinking about the Dunkirk that is a French fishing port on the English Channel, and how in May of…


John Carlson: The Unkindest Cut of All

By: John Carlson— Lord knows there is much to fear about the COVID-19 pandemic: the collapse of the global economy, ever-mounting casualties, the end of life as we know it… Plus, I’m starting to sweat my next haircut. See, I’ve got a feeling my upcoming appointment with my barber-buddy Holly won’t happen, just like the last one didn’t. In fact, I could easily miss a number of haircuts before things get back to normal. Worst case scenario: Extrapolate that out…


John Carlson: Shocking Information

By: John Carlson— Not long ago I saw a picture of a person from whose forehead a little black box protruded. This person was asleep. Turns out the box was an electronic thingamajig that sends out a shock every time the person snores. This worked something like a Death Row executioner throwing the switch on Old Sparky. Well, except that the black box would shock the wearer into momentary consciousness. Old Sparky, on the other hand, would have the exact…


John Carlson: Time For Taco Tuneups?

By: John Carlson— The other day I was hurriedly deleting spam posts from my email when one slugged “toco warranty” caught my eye. That’s right. It read, “toco warranty.” At least, I’m pretty sure it did. Just for the record, I have NO idea what a “toco warranty” is, let alone what protection a warranty for a toco would provide. Still, I was momentarily stunned by the sight of this, thinking that perhaps I had misread it. “Did that post…


John Carlson: In Scary Times Like These…

By: John Carlson— Well, this certainly sucks. Meaning the coronavirus, of course. Good old COVID-19. By now we all know it has spurred some significant life changes, and not just in the fact it can be hard to buy toilet paper and hand sanitizer, and we can’t sit inside restaurants or – ‘scuse me while I dab the tears from my eyes – bars anymore. Like many folks, what it’s done to the stock market makes me want to flat-out hurl….


John Carlson: Do Reading And Computers Mix?

By: John Carlson— The more reading I do on computers, the more I appreciate books. Not that, under certain certain circumstances, I don’t appreciate some electronic gizmos as well, you understand. Nancy and I both carry around Kindles. Mine is stuffed with so many e-books, if they had actual pages and covers I’d have to wear a truss. For example, in book form, writer Ron Chernow’s hardcover, best-selling biography of Union general and former president Ulysses S. Grant weighs in…


John Carlson: ‘Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Hear Ye!’

By: John Carlson— I already know what Nancy is buying me later this year for my seventieth birthday. Hearing aids. It’s not that I want hearing aids. Nor do I need hearing aids. Do we have occasional problems communicating verbally? Sure we do. And does she keep blaming this on what she considers my woeful hearing? Sure she does. But as I keep reminding her, I have trouble hearing her because the older she gets, the less distinctly she pronounces…


John Carlson: Grab The Fire Extinguisher!

By: John Carlson— Even in these divisive times, if there is one thing I think most Americans can agree upon it’s this: There’s no such thing as too much horseradish. This basic premise was reinforced for me the other day when, prior to downing the delicious glob of deli baked beans I had spooned from a two-pound plastic container onto my dinner plate, I forked on a healthy dollop of fresh horseradish. Then I mixed them together. One taste and…


John Carlson: A Sign Of Her Fine Times?

By: John Carlson— The other day I was at a popular local entertainment venue when I noticed that, as usual, the line to the men’s restroom was three people long, whereas the line to the women’s restroom was about twenty-three people long. “You know,” I cheerfully announced, just trying to be helpful, “if you gals would quit playing parlor games in there, you’d get in and out a lot quicker.” In response, one of them laughed bitterly. The others shot…