Carlson

By John Carlson— Ahhhh, steak! In meat matters it’s the Big Kahuna, right? The Top of the Heap! Numero Uno! The Prince of Protein! The Maven of Marbling! The … Well, you get the idea. While I’ve eaten some great steaks in my life, I’ve also eaten some lousy ones, so I’d say I’m batting about .400. This would make me a super-star in baseball, but in terms of steak? Not so much. That’s because when it comes to my…

By John Carlson— Every now and then I wake up in the middle of the night bathed in a cold sweat, screaming something like, “RINKY-DINK-DOUBLE-OH-SEVEN!!!” My computer password nightmare has struck again. Indeed, password overload may be a Top Five candidate for the worst things about life in the 21st Century. In my horrific dream, forgotten passwords surround me, ominously closing in as I desperately try to remember the one that will make them disappear. Odd? Sure. Stupid? Why, of…

By John Carlson— You know you’re looking at an incredibly beautiful seed catalog when you get emotional over pictures of vegetables. I mean, sure, I’ve bawled over food photos before. But that’s been when confronted with, say, a particularly poignant pepperoni pizza picture. And sometimes I’ve choked up and shed a tear or two at the shot of a full basket of barbecued buffalo wings, photographed in the shadow of a frosty 32-ounce mug of luscious Mexican beer. Or most…

By John Carlson— I never anticipated it, but in my latter years, I have become something of an expert on the Heimlich Maneuver. Not giving it. Getting it. I’ve been on the receiving end twice, maybe three times, which seems pretty funny. You’d think a guy would remember exactly how many times he has faced the possibility of choking to death. Contributing to my confusion, however, is the fact that each time, my circumstances have remained remarkably the same, so…

By John Carlson— These days, I think we’re all ready for some serious self-improvement. That’s why, having received a catalog explaining our new TV’s option to watch a channel called “The Great Courses Plus,” Nancy and I checked it out. Flicking through the available classes was an eye-opener. For example, there was one called “Baking Bread.” Was I interested? Nah, but at least I understood the concept, bread being what I’ve spent a lifetime spreading peanut butter on. Other classes…

By John Carlson— Many red-blooded American wives are gratefully anticipating the end of their annual football widowhood, if not for the return of their husbands’ company, then for the fact they’ll finally get back their television sets. You can’t blame them. It’s been a long row to hoe, proverbially, but they’ve toughed it out. Despite the raging COVID-19 pandemic, Nancy nor I have suffered a sniffle. Due to her diligence, we have maintained social distancing, masked up whenever we venture…

By John Carlson— Because Nancy and I have highly refined tastes in televised entertainment, we tend to be drawn to more upscale programming that features the very best in art, science and drama. You know, like “Cobra Kai.” OK, just kidding. “Cobra Kai” isn’t upscale. It’s more like way, way, way downscale, a Netflix karate show that’s a sequel to the movie “The Karate Kid.” Remember it? That was the one featuring Daniel-san as a high school punching bag, and…

By John Carlson— With the New Year here, Nancy has her mind set on updating the half-bathroom attached to my man cave. This means barring World War III, a tornado blowing down our house, or the Zombie Apocalypse annihilating mankind, no matter how much I object, it’s going to happen. Therefore, I might as well clam up and acclimate myself to the notion. Even I have to admit that, in terms of inconvenience, this is not going to be home…

By John Carlson— Today, countless people around the world received the best Christmas gift imaginable. It’s the realization that only six days remain before this disaster called 2020 is finis, behind us, flushed down history’s toilet … Good riddance! The new year can’t come fast enough. COVID-19 has been the main culprit in all this woe, of course, and we aren’t through with it yet. While never a coronavirus doubter, at times I’ve been more lax about following appropriate safety…